Addicted to Stress in Your Relationships

Does it seem like your relationships need stress in order to function? Have you ever been in a situation where your motivation to work hard vanishes the moment success is within reach? Are you addicted to “the chase” of dating but have trouble following through in relationships? If this sounds like you then you may be (unsuccessfully) using stress to cope.

Time and time again, I see married and dating couples who are working to “fix” their relationship. They want help, but when change happens, they find something else to have problems with. It’s a revolving door, that normally frustrates the other spouse, and leads to more problems in the relationship and emotional exhaustion. 

Is Stress Normal in my Relationship?

Don’t get me wrong – stress is a normal part of life. It can be a useful tool for individuals and couples, and as much as emotional pressure can be uncomfortable it can also facilitate personal and social growth. But when a person or relationship becomes defined by conflict it is important to understand why.

The Problem with Stress in Relationships

Stress, like many things, can be used to distract someone from negative thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, using stress to cope is (in the long-term) unsustainable and inevitably leads to negative consequences. Individuals can commonly become addicted to stressful environments as a result of an unstable childhood. This fixation is also related to anxious attachment – an attachment style caused by a lack of consistent affection, security, and emotional reciprocity in their primary relationship (parents, guardians, family, etc.).

Parents who lack the ability to self-regulate often create chaotic and stress-inducing environments for their children. Children who become conditioned to living in an emotionally unhealthy environment, eventually carry this tendency into adulthood.

Three Questions you Should Ask about Stress in your Relationships?

As you analyze yourself, your relationships, and your life it is important to reflect on your life history and personal choices. Here are three questions you should ask as it relates to stress in your life?

1. Does stress and chaos serve me? Do they make me any stronger, happier, or more fulfilled?

2. Does stress and chaos serve my relationships? What is the quality of my relationships and could they be better?

3. Does stress and chaos allow me to be the person I want to be? Could I be happier, more content, and less tense?

While stress can be an effective motivator it can also contribute to anxiety, depression, and self-destructive behavior. Relying on stress to emotionally regulate yourself contributes to unstable relationships and a lack of personal fulfillment. And while these consequences may seem manageable, over time they alienate you and make it progressively more difficult to form social connections.

Can Counseling Help my Relationship

If you struggle to break the cycle of reaction, dysfunction, and breakdown it may be time to consider therapy. Regardless of how long you’ve been relying on emotional stress, individual or couples counseling can provide an opportunity for self-improvement. While a little stress is not a bad thing, too much stress definitely is.

Don’t let stress become your new addiction. If you find yourself looking for problems in your relationship, or fighting about the same thing over and over again, schedule online today.