It was a classic story, but not in a fairy tale type of way. More of a toxic, been there, done that type of way.  He was an abusive husband, and had been for many years. However, this time she was serious about leaving and had no plans on returning.  He was convinced that after a few weeks of deep reflection and several sessions of counseling, he was a completely changed person.

It was the classic “honeymoon” stage of abuse. According to him, this time was unlike any other time, and if she would only give him one more chance, he vowed that it would never happen again. 

Blah, Blah, Blah…

It was difficult to listen without contempt. Plus, him partially accepting responsibility gave me little to no confidence in what he said. Although, in the middle of trying to stay focused, there was one phrase that caught my attention. 

“I can help her heal”.

This is when I thought, “Can the person who hurt you, also support your healing”?

At first it seems contradictory. Yet when you think about it more, many of us find ourselves in the same predicament. In fact, if you have ever been in a long-term relationship, chances are, you have had to endure some degree of hurt. 

So again…

Can a person who caused you hurt, at a different time, be the same person who helps heal your hurt? While it’s not a quick and definite Yes/No answer, and maybe on another day, I could argue the reverse - here are several points to consider on why your healing has to occur outside of them:

1.      Unhealthy You - attracts Unhealthy Them:  A part of her willingness to tolerate the dysfunctions of their relationship, was because of the dysfunctions she experienced growing up.  To no fault of her own, she had grown accustomed to that type of environment. Therefore, she needed to experience healthy change outside of him, if she were ever to embrace healthy change with him. 

2.      Rushing the Process: Unlike physical wounds, where we can predict with a degree of accuracy, how long it will take to heal; emotional wounds are less obvious to predict.  He was ready to move on, and put everything behind him. She wasn’t. Therefore, he falsely assumed that she should have been further along in her own healing because of small changes he had already made. When this occurs, the tendency is to “rush” things along, which inevitably, interrupts the healing process.

3.      No Middle Ground: It’s difficult to see someone at two, different extremes. It’s hard to fully embrace who they are, and completely abandon who they were, especially, when the two are polar opposites.  Because of feelings we may still hold against them, there is a barrier when it comes to accepting their help.  Which is why, someone else could say the “same” thing, and it be received completely different. 

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