Your First Response…

The Key to Healthy Communication in Your Relationship

WHAT…

Wait, Say that Again…

I CAN’T Believe You…

It never fails. Our initial reaction sometimes says it all. Which unfortunately, is not always a good thing. Later apologies, reexplaining, and the proverbial “I didn’t mean to say that” often results when we respond too quickly.

Much of it seems to occur naturally, and without much thought, but this can be a major misstep in communication. 

Always remember…

How you respond to unpleasant news is important, but how First Respond makes all the difference. Your first response to unsettling news sets the standard for what your spouse feels comfortable sharing with you in the future.  That immediate reaction can make the difference for many future conversations.

For instance, if you have ever wondered why your spouse has difficulty opening up, their perception of how you manage difficult conversations could be the culprit.

In couples counseling, I hear countless stories about communication or lack thereof.  “He/She is like a closed book”.  “I always have to pry for information”. “They are hard to read”.  The list goes on… And, despite this plea for help, what happens next is all too predictable. 

·         “When I do open up, you always….”

·         “Last time I tried to tell you something, you… “

Normally, there is some type of overreaction that caused one partner to retreat or misinterpret their spouse’s first response.  Consequently, they learned what to share, and what not to share. Or, they learned how to dilute their message in a way that was more digestible.  This however, erodes the heart of what is truly meant.

At this point, it is only a matter of time before there is disconnection, and intimate dialogue is strained.

How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

Before I go further, it is important to recognize the complex nature of communication in a relationship.  There is no “quick fix” to healthy communication, nor are problems communicating the result of one partner. This is only one aspect of an ever-evolving subject, that contains multiple layers. 

However, this one piece is still very important.

So next time you are presented with information that does not sit well with you, is hard to believe, or goes against your idea of who someone is, be mindful of your First Response.  

Four Benefits of Not Overreacting to Bad News In a Relationship

1.      It Leaves a Lasting Impression: First impressions are everything. We only get “one” time to make them, and people often never forget their first. Whether it was the first time they met you, the first date, or in this case, the First Time they Shared Something Personal. This lasting impression is hard to forget and is a constant reminder whenever the thought of sharing something uncomfortable again come up. Don’t miss this opportunity to leave a lasting impression.

2.      It Limits Future Apologies: We are all guilty of saying something we did not mean in the moment.  Whether we were angry, upset, or bombarded with a surge of emotion, apologies are necessary. As my father often quoted, “they place erasers on pencils for a reason”. Mistakes happen. However, when we monitor our first response, we limit the initial damage and impact of saying the wrong thing. This extra time allows us a chance to process difficult information and respond without regret.  You can still speak your truth when you allow yourself time to think, but in a way that does not distract them from the real message.

3.      It Warrants More Openness: When someone knows that you will not overreact, it warrants them opening up about more, difficult topics in the future.  It warrants more openness, and greater willingness to engage in tough conversations. This further enhances your chance of improving your overall communication in a relationship.

4.      It Shows You Can Handle Difficult Conversations: Our words and our actions sometimes communicate completely different topics. When we overreact with difficult information, and later say “you can tell me anything” our actions and words are not aligned.  What we are really saying is, “you can tell me anything that is not uncomfortable” – which essentially, is not everything.  Relationships with partial openness, result in a relationship with partial engagement.  

Healthy communication is the cornerstone in marriage or any dating relationship. It is one of the most talked about topics in couples counseling and remains an area that could couples deal with on an ongoing basis.  If your relationship needs help, or if you are looking to improve communication in your relationship, individual or couples counseling can help.  Schedule your first session for counseling today.

For more on relationships, listen to the Untherapeutic Podcast with Dr. Nic Hardy. Untherapeutic is available on all major streaming platforms.