I asked the wrong question. 

Yet in my defense, it both made sense and seemed logical.  Her late teens and entire 20’s had been devoted to raising children and being a wife. Yes, she worked full-time and actively advanced her own career, but outside of her daily 9-5 responsibilities, every minute was consumed with mom duties: volunteered on the PTA, fixed lunches, scheduled orthodontic appointments, and took off work when her children were sick.  She was the epitome of a selfless, All-American mom. 

She had it all.

Something she admitted and believed wholeheartedly herself.  However, as she was approaching her 40’s, we both worked aimlessly at answering the wrong question:

“who are you outside of being a wife and a mother.” 

Again, it seemed like the one, Big question that would offer insight into why she was feeling like she did.  Although she said she had it all, there was an overwhelming sense of having “missed out.”  We couldn’t figure out why, so she toiled with different thoughts.

• Get a divorce? No

• Re-enroll in school and change careers? No

• Abandon all parenting responsibilities and travel solo to Bali? No

Considerable time was spent exploring “who she was outside of being a wife and a mother” but nothing prevailed. 

Reason being… we were asking the wrong question. 

Whether she was at work, at home, or out with her girlfriends, fundamentally, she was the same person. Her values and beliefs were consistent, and there was comparable overlap in her personality. Therefore, it was a pointless effort to try and discover someone new.

She was who she was, regardless of where she was.

The problem however, is that she had limited herself to only two roles: Mom. Wife. 

Which meant, the more useful question should have been: “What parts of you, do YOU, Not Know.

Like most people, she was multifaceted, and had more to offer. She had just limited herself. When in reality, she was a great friend. She had a wealth of life experiences, and wisdom beyond her age. She was adventurous and loved to take risk.  She was funny, and had an irresistible sense of humor.  She was well liked in circles beyond her small group at church and friends at work.

She was just boxed in.

Plus, others had grown accustomed to her being uni-dimensional. At first, she tried to blame others for how she felt, but deep down, she knew they had done nothing wrong.  She was ultimately responsible for the box she lived in.  

What was her next move…

If you can relate to her in any way, here is something to think about. 

1.     It’s Okay.  Yes, that’s right. It’s okay to explore aspects of you, that both you and others may not be accustomed to. In fact, it’s more than okay – it absolutely necessary.  Life is constantly evolving, and you should be to.

2.     It’s not Either/Or.  Despite what we have often grown accustomed to believe, it’s possible to walk and chew gum at the same time.  Doing one thing, doesn’t prohibit you from doing something else. And No, they don’t always have be related or connected to some bottom line objective.  Be in the moment. Try something new.

3.     New Life.  Discovering a new part of you, that you did not know, allows you an opportunity to look at old situations through a new lens. It helps change our perspective, when the very thing we are looking at doesn’t change. It gives us new life.

The benefits are untold.

So go ahead, discover new parts of you… that You do not know. 

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