Disagreements are normal. So much, that if they don’t exist within a relationship, someone is sacrificing their authentic self. Which of course, is not uncommon. Especially, if there is an imbalance of some sort.  It can be an imbalance of power, or simply, an imbalance of interest between one person and the other. In either case, they are a natural part of any healthy relationship.

But to what extent...

When it comes to small disagreements or issues that are trivial, it’s easy to “compromise” or merely let it go. In fact, you have probably heard strategies on how to successfully “Resolve Conflict” in your relationship by doing one of the following things:

• Listen to your spouse

• Start with “I” phrases

• Discuss how the other person made you feel

• Don’t assume

• Etc...

These are important and should definitely be considered. However, after you have respectfully listened and attempted to understand the other person’s point of view, what happens next?  You “calmly” stated your point, and stopped mind reading, you did everything imaginable to help them understand -  but to no avail. You’re still at odds.

If you are in this position, here are three things to consider when you both disagree.

1.     Stop Trying to Win. Most arguments are rooted in one person “trying to win”. Which is okay, when there is a clear right versus wrong situation.  However, with high-level arguments, this is rarely the case. A high-level argument is when two people can be right, and either way of looking at the problem make sense. When this is the case, it’s important to recognize that neither is person is “wrong” or “flawed in their thinking”.  This requires a degree of humility, which doesn’t change your position - but it can change your perspective. 

2.     Understand the Past.  The past is impossible to forget.  But, how much of someone’s past, should influence our perspective of their opinion? It’s a million-dollar question, that’s somewhat impossible to answer. However, here is a simple test: If someone you fully trusted, said the exact same thing, would you look at it differently? If the answer is yes or even maybe, chances are, their past is playing too big of a role.  

3.     Identify your Fear.  The fear of being taken advantage of, can keep us from adopting someone’s perspective, even if we believe their option is best.  The fear of losing control, can cause us to hold on to things, even when they hurt us in the process. If what you fear, is unrelated to the situation at-hand, then fear is misguiding your decision making. Honestly assess what you fear most.

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