Our days may appear perfectly okay. Nights on the weekend may be filled with dinner at restaurants, and normal conversation. Work. Kids. Church. And Work Again. No red flags. No distress signals or flashing exit lights.

We can do all of these things, and still hold resentment toward the person we are doing them with. 

But what exactly is resentment?  Although it’s often used interchangeably with unforgiveness, in my opinion, resentment is a buildup over time. It’s a series of broken promises, or disappointments. It’s the unfulfilled need that we forgot was important.

It can be a lot of things.

However, this is less about the semantics of what resentment is. Instead, it’s more about how it affects our lives in subtle ways, and how to know if it even exists. Because like many other feelings, we attach our own meaning according to our own personal experience. So for simplicity, let’s assume that resentment includes any negative experience that is unresolved, or any negative feeling that we have held unto for too long.

So…, how does resentment go undetected?

It doesn’t.

Resentment is always reflected.

Maybe not in the moment, but no matter how much we try to hide it, resentment is impossible to conceal.  However, because it is often stored away, and hidden behind years of life, we often overlook how it affects us. That said, if you are wondering whether or not you hold resentment towards someone, consider the following:

Response to Unrelated Events: If you find yourself responding uncharacteristically or in a way that doesn’t match the offense, this may signal resentment. Like a nagging injury that goes unchecked, what triggers our hurt, and what caused our hurt, may be different.  Therefore, when resentful, our response to a particular event may be unrelated to the event itself.

Resistance to New Possibilities: Being hopeful is risky business. Each time we get our hopes up, there is a possibility of being disappointed, again.  The more resistant you are to a new possibility, the more likely you are resentful.

How do we become resentful? As always, there a number of ways that resentment sneaks into our lives, but to name a few:

Too Much Compromise: This is tricky because most successful relationships involve compromise; however, too much compromise and a piece of who you are is lost.  And, when we compromise who we are, too often, we become resentful at the person who we believe caused it. 

Unresolved Conflict:  Believe it or not, not all arguments get resolved! Sometimes, we just carry-on because being upset interferes too much with our daily lives.  Now, there is an art to picking your battles, but too often, unresolved conflict morphs into resentment.

Out of Options: When we have asked politely, sought help, begged, pleaded, negotiating, threatened, incentivized, and nothing has happened, our next option is resentment. At first we were hopeful, but after a period of time, we just learn to live it. Whatever “it” is.  However, living with something undesired doesn’t make it less undesirable.  Consequently, we become resentful.