If I had a dollar every time a couple said their problem was communication, I’d have enough money to pay off my student loans (almost)!  It’s one of the most common problems I hear in counseling. In fact, I hear it so often, it has made me question whether it’s an actual problem or if it has become a safe way to disguise difficult and unsettling problems that are less easy to admit.

Before I share my rationale, let me first say that communicating effectively in a relationship is challenging – especially when hurt. Secondly, research suggest that communication tops the list of most relationship problems, so it’s not outlandish that most people say they have problems communicating. However, communication can be used as a default, to avoid dealing with difficult issues.

Unresolved hurt, not feeling appreciated, sexually unfulfilled, shame, unmet expectations, lack of trust… you get the point. When you add all of this up in a relationship, over time, you will have problems communicating with one another.  It’s inevitable. So is communication the problem, or is poor communication the result of everything else? I believe it’s the consequence of all the other problems we encounter. Therefore, next time you say we have “communication” problems, consider the following:

1. Moving Forward versus Forgiveness

How many times has a problem come up, and you didn’t really get resolve?  Yes, you may have moved forward or logistically figured out a temporary solution, but there was still more that needed to be discussed. Either you were tired of being mad, other things came up, or the energy required exceeded the amount you had to give. In either case, life went on. The problem however, is that there is still residue. No, it wasn’t enough to put an end to your relationship, but build up over time will erode future progress.

2. The Wrong Target

What’s the real issue here? When there is a culmination of many, different issues – it becomes more difficult to pinpoint the real problem. It is possible to become displaced from the source of your own hurt, which forces you to live with the symptoms of something you can’t identify.  This also creates a burden for someone you’re with because they are aiming at a moving target. Here are few examples?

“You’re never satisfied”.

“There is no pleasing you”.

“It’s always something, if it’s not this, then it’s that.”

When the argument is about _________, but the real problem is about _________, it sends the other person searching for a solution in a place that it doesn’t exist.   Consequently, there is frustration, and both people are left unsatisfied.

Yes, communication is a major problem, but it may not be your problem. 

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