I recently had a conversation with someone who was still trying to prove their mother wrong. Even as an adult with a family of her own, the topic of her mother always crept into the conversation. 

• My mom said that I would never…

• And that’s why my mom….

• If only my mom would…

She never explicitly said, “I am trying to prove my mother wrong”, but every accomplishment was used as leverage in some way.

It seemed like a never ending battle. One day she was doing good, then all of a sudden, she would self-destruct.  However, every time she made a Big Mistake, her mother would be there to help. And also, remind her that she predicted this would happen.  

It was exhausting to say the least.

But after countless failed attempts, addressing topics like boundaries, forgiveness, etc., it finally dawned on me - she found more comfort in proving her mother “right”. 

Contrary to what she thought, proving her wrong would have changed the dynamics of their relationship. If she changed, so would their relationship. And since this pattern existed for so many years, they both were comfortably uncomfortable. Reversing this cycle would have created distance, and added pressure to an already strained relationship.

“Every time I look up, she is telling me how I am going to mess up, how I am making the wrong decision, how I should have done this instead of that.  It’s like, why even try.  If you think I am one big F up, then I will just continue to F up.”

It was confusing, toxic, and unhealthy - but it made perfect sense.

The Confusing Part:  She was hypercritical of everything she did, yet was also there to help whenever she messed up. When it came to her mother, she felt overly criticized and extremely cared for at the same time.

The Toxic Part: The help her mom provided, was driven by her desire to feel needed. Also, her daughter desired acceptance, and connection with her mother, which unfortunately, came by means of her making mistakes.

Why it Made Perfect Sense: This toxic cycle was their norm, and allowed both of them to get what they wanted. Secondly, it provided them an opportunity to exist, together, without either of them having to change.

Sound crazy – it’s not!

If you are in this vicious cycle yourself, and are trying to prove someone wrong, here are three things you should STOP immediately:

1.     Stop Trying to Prove: If you actually “prove them wrong”, and they are still critical - your change may feel as though it were in vain.  You also risk not celebrating your own growth because of someone else’s dissatisfaction.   

2.     Stop Making It About Them: Change we make for others, is less satisfying than change we make for ourselves.  Also, in order for us to maintain changes we make for others – someone else has to be involved in the process, which limits our ability to sustain this change.

3.     Stop Avoiding Discomfort:  Change without discomfort is impossible.  It doesn’t exist. Therefore, if you truly desire something to change, you must be equally willing to embrace discomfort.

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