“Why are you with him”?

At first, it was a rhetorical question because the signs of a bad relationship were blatantly obvious. Aside from a previous conversation where she admitted this herself, he was pulling her away from what she valued most. The unhealthy nature of their relationship was obvious, so little time was spent trying to convince her otherwise. And like a 16-year old girl who falls in love for the first time, it would have been pointless, trying to convince her to leave.

Yet when the question was asked, “why are you with him”? I was anticipating the response that most of us give when asked a question we don’t want to answer… I don’t know!

However, this wasn’t the case. Despite every piece of evidence and her own admission, she was crystal clear as to why she was with him. 

o   He makes me feel special…

o   He gives me confidence…

o   He reassures me…

Without any context, I would have initially encouraged their relationship. Her reasoning had the same trappings of a healthy relationship. Because who in their right mind wouldn’t want to feel special? Who doesn’t need reassurance?  But herein lies the challenge, unhealthy relationships can provide some of the same qualities of a healthy relationship.  

Distinguishing between the two can become a daunting task when “some” of your needs are being met.  Again, the Not So Obvious signs of a bad relationship are just that…Not So Obvious. Therefore, next time you question if a relationship is right for you, ask yourself the following questions.

1.     What did you sacrifice to obtain it?  Every successful relationship involves a degree of sacrifice. However, when you sacrifice something you value, it’s always an unequal exchange.

2.     What did you overlook to maintain it? Similar to the old saying, “the truth doesn’t require a lot of words”, maintaining a healthy relationship doesn’t require a lot of explanation. If in order to maintain your relationship, you are consistently ignoring, rationalizing, and/or justifying, chances are, it’s unhealthy.

3.     What did you miss because of it? Relationships are never neutral. They either add or subtract from who we are, and where we are going.  Even if a relationship is in neutral, similar to a car, it will naturally move backwards. Whether it’s an opportunity, or a chance to be a better version of you, what do you miss as a result of this relationship.

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