Have you ever been in an intense conversation, and asked something meaningful? But instead of getting a thorough response, the answer you received was “I don’t know”.  After pouring your heart out, it can be frustrating to arrive at this dead end road. In fact, like most of us, your next response may have been…

“What do you mean, you don’t know.”

It’s a natural response and out of frustration, you may re-ask in a slightly different way. But instead of getting a new answer, it had the opposite effect. In fact, the subject has shifted, and the original question has taken a back seat to something less important and more irrelevant. So, how should your respond, and what does it mean when someone says, “I don’t know.”

First, it’s important to understand that it is a common response. It’s not exclusive to any one person, and it’s not always a means of avoiding the question. I don’t know, can be an answer in and of itself.  So, before you press harder and forcibly try to make someone know, consider the following:

What “I don’t know” means?

1.     It is an Answer: It’s not the answer you want to hear, but it is an answer that does have meaning. As an example, if we block a certain aspect of our life out, or suppress feelings in a particular area, it’s likely that you may not know (initially) when asked to explore a certain area.

2.     Limited Vocabulary: I don’t know can also reflect a limited emotional vocabulary.  When asked a simple question, “tell me how you feel”, an individual with a limited emotional vocabulary may find it difficult to capture exactly how they feel. 

3.     Additional Time:  In the moment questions, don’t always render in the moment responses. Additional time can be a tool that allows someone to think, reflect, and provide an answer that is sufficient. 

So next time someone says, “I don’t know”, think about this first.

4.     Hidden Message: It’s not always what you say, and sometimes, it’s not even how you say it. Instead, it’s the hidden meaning behind what you say. Put differently, what’s unsaid can carry more weight than what is said.  Therefore, suggesting that someone “should know” when in fact they don’t know, communicates:  

• I don’t believe you

• I don’t trust

• The answer you provided is insufficient

5.     Communication Strengths: If you asked me a question about Real-Estate or Accounting, chances are, I wouldn’t know. The same principle applies in other areas as well – they may actually not know.  Your ability to answer certain questions, may fall in an area of strength.  

6.     Maybe It’s You: We all believe we are communicating effectively, but research and what I have experienced suggest otherwise. Therefore, it may be you that is asking a question that is confusing, unclear, or doesn’t align with the topic at hand.  This honest reflection, creates more opportunity for equal dialogue, and less condescending banter.