In the famous book, Atomic Habits, James Clear says the greatest threat to success is not failure but boredom. Yikes, who would imagine? Not our mistakes or bad decisions, but rather, the gradual deterioration of excitement. Unfortunately, a similar truth exists in relationships.  

• Lost interest. 

• Mind-numbing routines. 

• The list goes on… 

But, instead of a failed business, the result is disengagement, separation, or even divorce.   

The common phrase, “date your spouse”, normally references going on actual dates. Obvious as it may sound, this is only part of the equation. Before I get into why, let’s be clear. I am not against the idea of “dating your spouse”. I believe in small acts of kindness, making time for one another, etc.   

However, what’s overlooked is the mindset that governs two people who are dating.  Without the right mental shift, you will exchange boredom at home, for boredom at a restaurant.  

When we focus on the actions of dating, and not the mindset of someone who is dating, we miss the true essence of what this really means. Therefore, here are four uncomfortable questions you should ask yourself, to assess if you are truly dating your spouse. 

Question 1. If it was wasn’t required, would your spouse still do the same things? 

In marriage or any committed relationship, each person has obligations they must uphold to make the relationship successful.  It varies from house to house, but things such as monogamy, household responsibilities, communicating your whereabouts, are inherent to most relationships. 

But hypothetically, what if these expectations weren’t required? If their actions were based on the quality of the relationship, instead of the requirements of the relationship, would they willingly do the same things?   If it weren’t frowned upon, as in dating, and based solely on their interest in you and the quality of your interactions, would your spouse willingly go above and beyond? 

Question 2.  How would your spouse rate your actions versus your intentions. 

Timing is everything in a relationship.   Yet all too often, we put off what is needed now, for a more convenient time in the future. Unfortunately, this leads to lost hope, chronic dissatisfaction, and a nagging annoyance over the same issues. When we know what the problems are in a relationship, but make little efforts to solve them, we are taking the relationship for granted. 

It’s extremely unfortunate to see someone going after their dreams, or doing something they said they always would, after the breakup. Late is better than never, but time is a precious commodity that should never be taken for granted.  In general, when we assume tomorrow is guaranteed, we take today for granted.  Plus, if our motivation for change comes from proving someone wrong – rarely is it sustainable.

Question 3: What if you were competing with someone else? 

The beauty of marriage or any committed relationship is that you are not in competition with anyone else.  However, don’t allow this lack of competition to create an attitude of complacency.  

When dating, you put your best foot forward, and consistently explore new ways to “win” your spouse over.   However, as our comfort level increases, our brain functioning does the exact opposite. It stops learning.  Literally. Research proves that a healthy amount of unpredictability improves cognitive functioning. And it’s hard to communicate love to someone that you stopped learning about as a person. 

A famous pastor once said, don’t give me what I used to need.

Question 4: Does your spouse anticipate being with you? 

When you are dating, you provide your partner with something to anticipate. Whether it’s your attitude, appearance, or approach to the relationship – there is something inviting that makes them want to come back. We lose this all too often in long-term relationships. However, it’s not because of our inability, but rather our lack of investment. We make excuses when we used to make a way. Going out on a date is good, but if they don’t anticipate being with you throughout the week, they probably don’t look forward to going out either. 

Dating your spouse is something that happens all the time, not just on the weekends. Although it starts with having the right mindset.  If you have found yourself in the boring routine of everyday life, and miss the excitement of dating, schedule a couples counseling appointment today. Not in a relationship, and want to invest in your own personal growth through individual counseling, I encourage you to schedule an appointment online today. 

 Change in your relationship can happen, but only when you make an investment in your relationship. 

 For more on relationships, listen to the Untherapeutic Podcast with Dr. Nic Hardy. Untherapeutic is available on all major streaming platforms.