Should You Try to Fix Your Relationship
Are Problems Normal In Your Relationships?
All long-term relationships will have issues. Personal history, life changes, and social relations ensure that every relationship will have some stress and conflict. No relationship can be completely free of problems or negative experiences. As John Welwood writes in Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love, “Dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems, or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love – which is to transform us.”
Conflict, stress, and failure are all important and normal parts of life. And while these experiences can be unpleasant and disruptive, they also facilitate personal development. It is important to understand and acknowledge that love and loving require both struggle and growth. Yet unfortunately, many people want growth, but without the struggle.
With this perspective, it becomes important to clarify what is meant by “fixing a relationship.” Once we accept that problems are an inevitable part of relationships (and life) the goal of fixing a relationship becomes learning how to deal with problems sustainably and healthily. One meaningful way to do this is by engaging in couples therapy. Working with a therapist can help couples develop the skills they need to support each other and overcome problems. Although, couples therapy also opens the door to issues that we struggle with as individuals as well.
Which brings me to the second point, making the mental shift. When we shift from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset, our focus moves from problem avoidance and perfection, to continuous growth, improvement, and ongoing learning. This alone, will automatically improve the quality of your relationship.
The Problem With Solving Problems in Your Relationship
When couples experience problems it can sometimes be easy to think that the problems need to be solved collectively, as a couple first. When in reality, individually we have the power to change the relationship. This approach also places responsibility on others to change at the same rate as us, which rarely occurs.
Yes, many issues couples experience can only be solved together and from within a relationship. The intimate environment facilitated by relationships often brings people into contact with unhealed parts of themselves. Those unhealed parts, if unaddressed, can drastically impact your relationships. Overlooking this step in the process of fixing your relationship is essential to developing the ability to love others.
How to Improve Your Relationship
Couples counseling can help people better deal with problems but it is just one part of the continuous work required to sustain a long- term relationship. And while therapy can help a couple improve aspects of their relationship there will always be other things to work on.
As bell hooks writes in All About Love: New Visions, “Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified.” Love is a process that exists for the life of a relationship. There will be no end to problems nor opportunities for growth.
Rest assured that as long as you and your partner are motivated and willing to work together, there is no end to how much your relationship can grow.
If you are at a crossroad in your relationship, and looking to change the quality of your relationships, schedule your first appointment online today. If you spouse is unwilling to go counseling, schedule an individual appointment, become a better version of you, and watch how your relationship changes.
For more on relationships, listen to the Untherapeutic Podcast with Dr. Nic Hardy. Untherapeutic is available on all major streaming platforms.