For Anyone Who Doesn't Feel Heard In Their Relationship

I Can’t Hear You

When You Don’t Feel Heard

Do you sometimes not feel heard in your relationship or marriage? Do you ever feel like your partner is listening, but not fully understanding the meaning of your words.   If so, you are not alone! Many couples struggle with trying to get their spouse to “hear” them or understand the space between words.

Consistent and effective communication is necessary in order to build intimacy and meet needs. Whereas a lack of healthy communication can contribute to stress, disappointment, and dissatisfaction. If you and your partner are struggling to communicate, chances are, one spouse probably does not feel heard.

You are not alone.

Four Ways to Hear Your Spouse

1.      Defensiveness: It is hard to “hear” when you are defensive about what is being said. Defensive behavior is an impulse and reaction that sometimes happens unintentionally but creates a bridge between you and your spouse. Whether you disagree, or question what is being said, when we are defensive, you can’t hear.

2.      Self-Preservation: When a person feels threatened, they often seek to protect themselves by attempting to prove the other person wrong. This can look like avoidance and withdrawing, or it can look like frustration and fighting. When you are fixated on trying to protect yourself from being hurt or taken advantage of, it becomes impossible to hear what is being said.

3.      Active Listening (for real): The opposite of defensive communication is active listening. Active listening is a way of communicating that helps you retain information and acknowledge what your partner is saying and feeling. In order to actively listen it is important to give your partner your full attention. While this sounds easy, giving someone your full intention means not assuming, not over-interpreting, or being pre-occupied with matters outside of the immediate conversation.

4.    Reflection: Reflection is important, but most people only grasp one aspect of reflection – words. Reflecting words is when you repeat or paraphrase what your partner says to you. Reflecting words helps you better understand what is being shared and is important to show your partner you are seriously listening. Reflecting emotions is when you identify and acknowledge your partner’s feelings. This part of active communication can be difficult, but it is necessary.

Why Effective Communication in a Relationship Is Important

When relationships ignore the emotional side of communication it can often leave partners unsatisfied and feeling unheard. Active listening is an important way to improve communication with your partner, family, and friends.

Effective communication is not always a pleasant or comfortable practice. Embracing this fact is key to developing mutual understanding and respect. Defensiveness and avoidance may seem the safe choice but they always contribute to disappointment and dissatisfaction. It is a perilous mistake to assume that relationships and love should provide uninterrupted pleasure. While this may be ideal, it is not the way of the world.

Conflict, while often uncomfortable, offers couples the opportunity to resolve issues and develop resiliency.

How To Get Help

Relationship counseling offers couples the opportunity to express themselves in a safe and productive environment. A counselor can help you and your partner identify defensive behaviors and make corrections to fear- and shame-based thinking. Therapy, while not the end all be all, is an important and meaningful way of growing connection and care with your partner.

If you and your partner at a stand-still with your communication, or if you consistently feel like you have to go “unheard” – contact me today to schedule your first appointment.

For more on relationships, listen to the Untherapeutic Podcast with Dr. Nic Hardy. Untherapeutic is available on all major streaming platforms.