How to Get your Spouse to Go to Counseling
How to Get Your Spouse to Go to Counseling
Every week, I receive at least 1-2 calls from a well-meaning spouse, desperately trying to get their partner to counseling. When I question why they haven’t reached out themselves, I normally get one of the following responses:
I am just researching counselors for them,
They asked me to help,
They don’t know where to look,
They just need a little push to get the process started,
They are busy, but said counseling is something they want to pursue,
I just know they need it, and our relationship is not going well.
The list goes on…
Truthfully, it’s hard to watch this process unfold. Not because they are reaching out inquiring about counseling, but they are doing so for someone who is fully capable of doing it themselves. Secondly, many are assuming responsibility for someone else’s healing, which means, they are also disproportionately taking on their problems.
Nonetheless, I understand. It is extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone you love, yet suffer because of their unwillingness to get help. Because of this, I am always willing to assist in hopes that maybe this time will be different. Yet if truth be told, this is a disaster waiting to happen. When you take away someone’s right to self-determination, you rob them of a critical step in the change process.
Therefore, if you truly desire your spouse to get counseling, ask yourself these questions first.
Who Wants to Change the Relationship Most?
In counseling, there is an old saying that you should never work harder than your clients. Similarly, you should never work harder than someone else at trying to solve their issues. And, here is why?
Enablement. Let’s suppose you successfully get them “help”. Because you led the charge, you have crippled them from being able to do this independently in the future. Long-term, this yields little results.
Counterproductive. The more you try to help someone who is unwilling to get help themselves, the more you push them away. It’s counterproductive, and often, they build resentment towards you in the process. Additionally, depending on how they interpret your attempts, they may subconsciously resist the very thing they need most.
What Steps have they taken to Improve the Relationship?
There is a saying that I frequently quote, “Words support action, but they never replace action”. I can’t remember the author, but I share this often in counseling. If someone says “I want help” – “I need help” – “I should get help” but has not taken initiative to get help, chances are, they don’t really want help.
What Role do You Play in this Relationship Cycle?
In relationships, we all play a role. While we may not be the reason an issue exists, we often play a role in keeping it alive. This is most often disguised with good intention, patience, understanding, and little to no boundaries. Secondly, there is a such thing called “codependency” – which severely perpetuates problems in a relationship. Here is a quick, general example:
Your spouse has a problem that you wish weren’t there. However, because of their problem – you get to “RESCUE” them from the issue every time it comes up. Despite the inconvenience/ongoing complaints and pleads for change to occur - you become the “savior”, have an upper-hand, and can be the victim all at the same time. If they change, the role(s) you previously played, would no longer exist. This creates real problems for many people, especially, if they have played this position for an extended period.
All that to say, if you are in a relationship with someone who needs to go to counseling, I would recommend that you Schedule Your First Appointment. Counseling can help you unlearn many unhealthy patterns, help you establish boundaries, and stop your role, in the back and forward dance. If you truly want change in your relationship, you first must be willing to change. If you are new to counseling, and have questions about what to expect in counseling, feel free to Contact Me.