The Mistress Myth

Don’t Make it So Easy

The word Mistress creates a lot of thoughts:

• Exotic. Long Hair.

• Unquenchable sex drive

•   7-figure bank account

• Tall. Muscular build.

• World traveler. Harvard educated

While these images make good for television, there is a surprising truth that will not shock many.   The reality is that for anyone who finds their partner with someone else, normally, is disappointed in what they find. The idea of an A-list celebrity, sweeping someone off of their feet is just that, a fantasy.  More times that not in my work with couples, I find that what compelled them to someone else was modest at best.

That’s right.

It was not an insurmountable standard. In fact, it was the exact opposite.

Here are a few examples of what I hear: 

• “I felt heard” 

•     “They appreciated the small things”

•      “For once, someone listened to me”

• “I didn’t feel judged”

• “I could be myself”

Now…  before I proceed, let me say that if you are looking for a reason to do something, you will always find it.  Secondly, regardless of what someone does and/or doesn’t do, we ultimately are in control of our decisions.

However, what tempts most people to look outside of their relationship, is not all expensed paid trips to Bali or someone swinging from a chandelier. No, it’s small, simple things that go ignored, over extended periods of time.

So, before it’s too late, pay attention to the following in your relationship.

1.      Because It’s Important to Them.  We often measure what’s important to someone else – according to our own needs.  If it is something we do not perceive as valuable, then we are less inclined to give it the appropriate attention.  This leads to minimizing behavior, and eventual neglect.  

2.      Knowing is Not Doing.  I am amazed (not really) at how many couples are able to articulate, exactly what their partner needs.  Yet despite “knowing” what they need, do absolutely nothing about it.   The reasons are plentiful, and too much to offer here. But, if you know something is important to someone you care about, and it is not immoral, unethical, or unreasonable – make an earnest attempt at trying to do it.  

3.      Talk. And Listen. Talk: As we grow and evolve, so do our needs. What you needed in the past, may be irrelevant in the present. Therefore, it is important to openly talk about your needs as they evolve over time. Listen: Don’t hear what you want, or over interpret what they are saying, listen to your spouse and try to trust that they are being sincere.

If you are recovering from an experience of infidelity, having difficulty trusting your spouse, or want to be proactive in growing your relationship – schedule your first counseling appointment today.

Invest in what you want to grow.

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