The Difference Between a Boundary and a Barrier
Knowing the Difference Could Save your Relationship
We hear the word “boundaries” a lot in talks about healthy relationships. But often times, what appears to be a boundary, is actually a barrier in disguise.
It’s a rule.
It’s a restriction.
Its’s a requirement that someone else says is needed, in order to make the relationship work.
Boundaries are essential, and help strengthen the health of any relationship; barriers on the other hand, have the opposite effect. The challenge however, is knowing when to decipher between the two.
Real Example
It’s Friday evening, and it’s a night out with your girlfriends. The entire week, you have been in work mode. Which means, unnecessary meeting after unnecessary meeting, traffic, deadlines, work drama, you name it. In the middle of getting dressed, and discussing plans with your spouse, you hear, “You wearing that”?
Anyone who has been in this situation understands how ugly this can get. And depending on your beliefs, chances are, you’re thinking falls in either one of two categories:
1. It’s not the outfit, but what the outfit may suggest. You’re in a relationship, and one may interpret your attire as you being single.
2. It’s not the outfit, but the insecurity of your spouse. If you trust me, and the purity of my motives, then why would you have an issue with me getting dressed up.
Regardless of how you feel, and who you believe is right or wrong, the real issue is one of boundaries versus barriers, and being able to decipher between the two. That said, here is a short (non-exhaustive) list of what to consider when trying to decipher between the two:
You versus Them. Boundaries are established by You. A barrier on the other hand, is imposed by someone else and forcibly attempts to limit the options of someone else.
Freedom. Boundaries give us more freedom. It seems contra, but appropriate boundaries, create opportunity for us to be our true self. Whereas barriers restrict us to what others want us to be.
Clear and Consistent: Boundaries are clear and consistent. Barriers frequently change, and are based on circumstance.
Protective versus Preventative: Boundaries are protective in nature. This is sometimes confusing, because what protects us, may also prevent us from something as well.
If you are people pleaser and have trouble maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships. If you find yourself saying one thing, but doing something else – Schedule your first counseling appointment today.