Why Setting Boundaries with Family is So F$%^ Hard
Boundaries in Relationships
Every week, I find myself talking about establishing healthy boundaries in relationships. So much so, I question if it has become a cliche, catch-all phrase in counseling. It’s not, but with anything, there are always nuances. One of which, is the difficulty of setting boundaries with our family and friends.
I recently spoke with someone who shared that at work, they have no issues with boundaries. The lines are clear and there is little room for negotiation. Yet with family, they constantly give in to unhealthy routines. Repeatedly, they fall prey to this vicious cycle. Although they recognize it, it seems like a never-ending cycle. It’s personally defeating to go against your own better judgment, and it’s discouraging for those it effects. This is one of the reasons healthy boundaries are important not only for your relationships, but for your overall mental health.
That said, if you have ever struggled with setting boundaries with members in your family, here are five things you should consider. Not only will it help you in the process, but it will bring understanding to some of your challenges.
Five Reasons Why Setting Boundaries with Family is so Difficult
1. The Perception of Change: Just because you change, doesn’t mean the perception others have of you will change. Which means, in order to set real boundaries, we must be able to move beyond the opposition of others opinion. Someone can know you for a long time, and still be out of touch with the person you are now. This is why establishing boundaries with friends and family is always difficult. Their perception is based on the person they are most familiar with, which unfortunately, is not always the person you are today.
2. The Process of Change: Believe it or not, change is a process that doesn’t happen all at once. There are incremental steps along the way, and sometimes a bit of back and forth. Unfortunately, for those who are close to us, our boundary lines may appear vague, and our behavior may seem inconsistent. When people only see us in limited settings, they don’t see the behind-the-scenes process. Therefore, if we are to really set boundaries with our family, we must also be comfortable with our own process of change.
3. The Consequence of Change: The consequence of change is always greater among family and friends because our relationship with them is interconnected with other aspects of our lives. Which means, it’s more difficult to compartmentalize a negative family relationship. When we say no with family, we also are saying no to other things in life. Family dinners, vacations, relationships, etc. It’s not like a job where we can “leave” and go home. When we set boundaries with family, there is always a consequence associated.
4. The Difficulty of Change: When we change, it forces those close to us to change. On the other hand, those outside of our family aren’t always held to the same standard. For instance, you can change personally, and your coworkers not feel the impact. Therefore, the relationship can remain transactional, and still fulfill it’s intended purpose. If those close to you are unwilling to adjust, your boundaries will only create more distance.
5. The Rewards of Not Changing: Behavior is driven by rewards. When we are rewarded for doing something, the likelihood of us repeating it is higher. Therefore, if we don’t establish boundaries, but receive a reward in the form of acceptance, community or connection, the chance of us not creating boundaries in the future increases. In order to establish boundaries with family or close friends – they can’t be the source of our validation. Otherwise, we will value their approval at the expense of our own limits.
Boundaries are much harder to set than most of us anticipate. That’s why, they are so critical. If you are having difficulty setting boundaries in your relationships, or need support being consistent, counseling can help. I regularly help individuals and couples re-establish healthy norms in their relationship and can do the same for you. Schedule your first appointment or consultation online today at nichardy.com.
For more on relationships, listen to the Untherapeutic Podcast with Dr. Nic Hardy. Untherapeutic is available on all major streaming platforms.