Do you Trust Your Spouse?
Ask any relationship expert and they will tell you just how important trust is in a relationship. Or, simply talk to a couple that has been married for a long time. Not only will they confirm the importance of trust, but will also share how they have had to rebuild trust at one point or another.
There is little debate on this. We all know the importance of trust.
However, when we talk about trust in a relationship, we mainly talk about it in terms of someone lying or being unfaithful. While both are critically important, it can be limiting to only view trust in these terms. It also doesn’t address other ways mistrust negatively impact our relationships. It’s not always black and white. Often, when we are having difficulty trusting our spouse, it is disguised in other, less obvious forms.
For example:
· Lack of respect
· Persistent nagging
· Lack of motivation
· Limited conversations about the future
· Making alternative plans subconsciously
When any of these is consistently present in a relationship, it may be a sign of distrust. Remember, you can trust that your spouse is telling the truth and that they are being faithful, and still, not trust them. Distrust comes in many forms.
In my work counseling couples, I have learned that it’s possible to question someone in one area, yet have complete faith in them in another. Trust is not always “all or nothing”. It’s more nuanced, and has multiple layers.
For that reason, here three main categories of trust. If you ever find yourself questioning your spouse, although they are telling the truth, this will help you accurately assess your own doubts.
Three Levels of Trust in a Relationship
1. Telling the Truth versus Telling a Lie: The most basic level of establishing trust is believing that a person is telling the truth. This is the most obvious, and for Obvious reasons. If you are being lied to or have serious doubts about whether your spouse being truthful in your relationship, it will be impossible to build anything of value. This is fundamental to any successful relationship.
2. Telling the Truth But Question their Ability: If you trust your spouse is being truthful, but question their ability – it can also be difficult to establish trust. This is the easiest form of trust to establish because they can get support from others, further their education, and develop the necessary skills and training needed to be successful.
3. Telling the Truth But Question their Intentions: You can trust that someone is telling the truth yet question their Intentions. This is the next level to establishing trust and is critically essentially as well. In many ways, this is the most difficult to decipher. We are never 100% sure of someone’s intentions, therefore, we are making a good faith estimate based on our experiences and what we believe is true.
We also must be mindful of our own biases. If you try to guess someone’s’ intentions, you run the risk of casting judgement or imposing your beliefs on them without supporting information. Nonetheless, if you question your spouse’s intentions, it will be hard to establish the level of trust that is needed to grow to the next level.
Next Steps
When you trust your spouse, you establish a bond that allows you both to connect at a deeper, and more intimate level. However, getting to this place doesn’t always happen organically. Especially if your trust has been broken in the past.
If you have trust issues in your relationship, and truly wish to overcome them, individual counseling or couples counseling can help. I have helped couples solve some of the most difficult problems in their relationships - everything from infidelity, mismanaging finances to hidden agendas. If you are interested in starting the rebuilding process, schedule your first counseling appointment online or schedule a free consultation today.
For more on relationships, listen to the Untherapeutic Podcast with Dr. Nic Hardy. Untherapeutic is available on all major streaming platforms.