Why You Can't Be Vulnerable in Your Relationships

If You Fear This… You Can’t Be Vulnerable

Vulnerability is an unavoidable subject in counseling. And rightfully so, it’s the crux of true intimacy and connection in a relationship.  But while much attention is given to the subject, talking about vulnerability and actually being vulnerable are completely different. The being part of vulnerability brings out our insecurities and fears, especially in relationship with those we love. 

In fact, I believe that the opposite of vulnerability is fear. Fear is what paralyzes us from acting on what we know is right. Fear makes us shut down, despite our desires for intimacy. Fear makes us work harder at being someone other than true self in a relationship. It’s fear.  

But what exactly do we fear? And why does it play such a major role in our relationships? In counseling couples, I have discovered four “fears” that prevent many people from being vulnerable. Of course, there are many other reasons, but these capture core issues that are most common in relationship counseling. 

What We Fear Most About Being Vulnerable in a Relationship

The Fear of Not Being Loved:  If love were a mountain, Unconditional love would be at the peak. It’s aspirational for anyone in a committed relationship, as it provides comforting reassurance that your spouse will always be there.  If I were to make a serious mistake, will you still love me the same.  The fear of being unlovable can keep us from being vulnerable in a relationship. We can desire intimacy, but if we fear rejection, we will create distance that keeps others from getting too close. 

The Fear of Someone Leaving:  The fear of disconnection can drive us to be someone different to gain acceptance. This fear can also keep us from being the most authentic version of ourselves, which ultimately, limits our ability to be vulnerable in relationships.  Obviously, there are limits to what we can and can’t do in a relationship.  However, knowing that our spouse will be there, despite the discomfort of knowing who we are beneath the surface - creates a safe place for us to be vulnerable in relationships. 

The Fear of Being Judged:  This may seem egotistical, but it’s reaffirming to be esteemed by our spouse. Whether it’s the “go-to” expert, reliable financier, or dependable caretaker, we each play roles where we have been placed in high regard.  Letting go of this can be difficult, especially if a portion of our identity is consumed by it (which is unhealthy). Will you view me the same, if I expose a part of me that contradicts the image you have of me? 

o   Will you still be attracted to me if I gained weight? 

o   Would you still be interested if I lost my job? 

o   If I weren’t “who I am” would be interested at the same level? 

The Fear of Information Being Used Against Us: Opening up about our accomplishments doesn’t require us to be vulnerable.  It’s the less desirable aspects of our lives, that cause us to live in eternal secrecy. One of the greatest fears of being vulnerable is if the person we are sharing information with, will use it against us later.  Whether it’s to prove a point, in an argument, or a careless reaction when offended, trusting that your spouse will not use this as leverage later is critical to being vulnerable. 

There are many factors that keep us from being vulnerable in a relationship, but more times than not, fear is the driving force for them all. Brenee Brown has many great books on the subject, and I always recommend her material. If you are in a relationship, but have difficulty expressing yourself, I would also recommend individual or couples counseling. Going to therapy can provide you with the skills you need to increase your confidence in a relationship and overcome your fears. 

For more information, visit nichardy.com. You can also follow up on social media and stay informed on new content and other counseling support services. 

 For more on relationships, listen to the Untherapeutic Podcast with Dr. Nic Hardy. Untherapeutic is available on all major streaming platforms.

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